Finding the Words
by Celeste.J.Evans
Summary: A present for NatalieElizabeth. Beckett has trouble finding the words when it comes to Castle and sometimes writing it down really does help. Set post-Limney


**This is a christmas gift to my darling NatalieElizabeth. I wanted to write a story that would make her smile so I hope I acheived that. **

**For everyone else, this takes place right after Limney - or I guess it kind of takes the place of girl talk during Limney.**

**As always you can follow me on twitter **vatrask** or on my new blog: **madamewriterofwrongs (.blgogspot) .com

**Enjoy **

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"I mean he's just been acting so weird lately." She continued to pace back and forth. "He can't look me in the eye at work, three times in the past two weeks he's forgotten my coffee and yesterday when I casually asked him out of drinks he turned me down cold like he's disgusted with me or something." Dr. Burke clasped his hands over his notepad, watching his patient move about the room at a frantic speed. He was trying not to smile at her antics even as his mind worked to find the right advice to give to Kate Beckett. "I mean, what did I do?" She had finally calmed down enough to sit against the arm of the leather chair.

"Have you actually told Castle how you feel about him?"

"Well…not in so many words." She bit her lip "but he has to know, right? He has to have at least some idea about how I feel about him." He paused for a moment before the doctor continued.

"Kate," he began carefully "do you have any female friends that you would trust enough to talk with about your problems with Castle?"

She stood defensively "why?"

"I just think maybe it might be a little easier to talk with someone you're more comfortable with; someone of the same gender." He offered her that pointed look that wasn't really a pointed look "maybe she can help you find the words?"

Early the next morning, Lanie Parish entered the morgue, firmly placing a hand over her heart when she found a live body in her morgue. "Kate Beckett what the hell are you doing here?"

"How's it going, Lanie?" She swung her legs under the table casually.

Lanie sighed "girl talk?" The detective nodded "I'm sorry sweetie but the morgue is up for review and I'm working triple shifts all week." She was already busying herself with putting on her smock and gloves "can it wait until next week?"

"I suppose," Beckett sighed, hopping off the table. She really wasn't sure exactly what to say beyond what she'd ranted to Dr. Burke so maybe it was best to let her think on it. She paused in the doorway; but what if she lost her nerve or the situation with Castle got worse? She couldn't wait. "Actually," the medical examiner looked up at her "can I email me? It might actually help if I write it down."

Lanie eyed her friend suspiciously "alright… I'll talk to you later, sweetie." With a nod, Beckett stepped out of the morgue on her way to the precinct to start her shift.

Castle arrived not twenty minutes after she sat down, two cups of coffee in his hand and a sad smile on his face. "Morning."

"Morning." She offered her brightest smile but his expression didn't change as he sat down so the corners of her lips fell. To distract herself she picked up the coffee he'd brought but promptly spit out its contents which got his attention at least "this is back coffee." She didn't mean to sound hurt but it couldn't be helped. There was a flicker of something in his eyes – could it actually be regret? – but it clouded over a moment later to be replaced with indifference which possibly hurt even more.

"I'll go get you another one." He picked up the wrong order and tossed it in the trash on his way to the elevators, not even bothering to look up as the doors closed around him.

The moment he was gone, she pulled out her phone, opened a new message and began to type. Once she started she just couldn't stop and she continued to pour out her feelings for Castle all over the screen – seriously, she was practically writing an essay – and she was almost halfway through when there was a ping indicating a new message that popped up on her screen. Esposito had CC'd her, Jenny, Ryan and Castle a message to Lanie, asking if they wanted to go out for drinks later in the week. Ignoring it for the time being, she looked up to make sure Castle wasn't coming back before continuing her mad confession of love and lust and confusion. She hit send, exhausted and a more than a little terrified when she saw the 'sent' confirmation: it had been sent to Lanie, Esposito, Jenny, Ryan and, worst of all, Castle. Crap!

Her head popped up when she heard a familiar ping and Ryan picked up phone to read his new email. She bit her lip as he looked up at her amused then continued reading when his expression was momentarily disgusted, then sweetly smiling and then finally confused. She took a deep breath, finally gathering the courage to walk over just as Esposito left the break room with an amused smirk.

"Hey Beckett." She blushed, which only made it worse "so…got your reply."

She sighed, sinking against their desk so it was just the three of them "look guys, you weren't supposed to get that message so can you please just ignore it."

"Nope, sorry" Ryan clicked his tongue in mock regret "can't; it's _engraved_ in our brains." He at least shuddered as thoughts of the email's contents flew through his mind. "Painfully engraved."

"Yup, all of the sappy, dirty little details about your feelings for Castle" Esposito sat beside her with a raised eyebrow as he pulled up the email "like how you imagines him bending you over your desk and taking your pants off… with his teeth?" Again she blushed; crap.

"Guys"

"Beckett," she looked down at Ryan who was watching her with a gentle, careful expression "we'll keep your secret if that's what you want but… Castle will get this message too."

She bit her lip, touched that at his sincerity and completely in denial "well maybe he hasn't seen it yet? I can get Alexis to delete the email before he gets home or…" she trailed off when Esposito shook his head, once again pulling up the accursed email, this time showing it to her.

"He's already replied about getting drinks; he's seen the email." She groaned, burying her head in her hands. "Hey," she knew her partners were trying to smile and cheer her up "it had to come out eventually, right?"

"Yes, but not like this!" She tried to keep her voice down but Gates looked up from her desk, gave the trio a pointed look before turning back to her work. "This isn't how I wanted him to find out. I mean it's all true but I was just ranting to Lanie and I accidentally pushed the wrong button."

"You know who you should be talking to?" Ryan leaned forward "Castle."

She stared at him, helpless "but he doesn't feel the same way about me so what's the point?" The boys stared at her in shock. "What?"

"Oh come on," Esposito rolled his eyes "you have to know that the man's ben practically in love with you since day one."

"Not lately," she reasoned "ever since that bombing case he's been pulling away and I don't know what to do."

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows "that's funny; he was in the observation room during that interview with your witness and he seemed perfectly fine."

"My witness…?" Her eyes darted around, trying to piece it all together why the boys watched, bewildered. "I said I remembered every second of getting shot…" They looked even more confused but she was totally gone "he knows I know… so the only reason he would pull away instead of confronting me would be that… he thinks she doesn't love him back." She blinked back all of the emotions that were threatening to bury her alive and she looked up at the boys, wide eyed. "I'm an idiot."

"Well I could have told you that." She didn't even have the sense to glare at Esposito who was just smiling at her sweetly. "That's something you should be telling Castle."

"I will," she exhaled "I just need to find the right moment."

"No time like the present." Esposito pointed and they all looked over to see Castle stepping off the elevator with a dazed expression. Beckett looked at him with the most dazed expression "go." He smiled but she still stared back frozen. "Go and talk to him." He nudged her with his shoulder until she stumbled into Castle's path. He froze, watching her with the same wide-eyed expression.

"Hi." He muttered, unmoving.

"Hi." She wasn't fairing much better. Desperately she looked back at the boys who were nodding at her encouragingly. She took another deep breath before turning back to him "can we talk for a sec?" He opened his mouth to protect but she quickly grabbed his arm and dragged him into the empty break room before she could lose her nerve. "Hey Beckett"

"I know."

He blinked "what?"

"I know that you know that I know."

He was getting frustrated "again, what?"

She exhaled; she could do this. "I remember the shooting – all of it – and I know that you know I remember."

He shrugged, brushing past her "okay"

"I love you." The world stopped and for a moment he looked so stunned that she stopped breathing.

"What" he cleared his throat, his eyes never leaving hers "what did you say?"

"I love you." The intensity of his eyes was too much and she looked down at his chest, biting back the urge to caress his chest "after the shooting, I was broken. I wasn't lying about it taking everything I had just to put one foot in front of the other." She stepped back from his warmth "and then I started seeing a therapist because of my post-traumatic stress disorder and I had these horrible nightmares. The worst ones didn't even involve me getting shot" she looked up at them "they were where you saved me." He had stopped breathing now, knowing where this was headed but unable to stop her "you were bleeding out in the cemetery and I couldn't save you. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and I wanted so badly to call you." She was definitely crying now because he suddenly stepped into her, wiping a tear away from her cheek.

"I would have come."

She grabbed his hand and kept it against her cheek "and that's why I _couldn't_ call you; because I knew you'd run right over and I'd let you be my crutch and I just…I couldn't let that happen." She squeezed his fingers. "I am so sorry for lying because I thought I could heal on my own but I don't want to do it alone anymore." She looked up, "I want to do it with you." It was like romantic music was playing all around them in the world all their own but she couldn't even roll her eyes, too caught up in the moment. She swallowed "I know you read the email. I didn't mean to send but I meant every word and I just want to know…if you still love me."

His smile was small and sweet, still completely in awe of the scene before him. "I do." She smiled back. "I was pulling away because I was hurt. This whole mess has been so emotionally stressful but I'm sorry for hurting you."

She placed her hands on his cheeks and pulled him into a deep, slow kiss. Taking full advantage, he gathered her around her waist and dipped her low until she burst into a fit of giggles. "I'd forgotten how good that feels.

"Well you've got a lot of kissing to do if you're going to help heal this mess between us."

"I'll do whatever it takes to fix this." She placed a peck on his lips "fix us."

He pulled back when their lips were mere inches apart, the light still shining in her eyes "so does this mean that we're together?"

She thought for a moment before scrunching her nose in that cute way he loved and nodding "I think so." He held her tighter, grinning broadly "so…" she bit her lip, running her hand softly over his chest "what now?"

"Well, I could…" he kissed her "take you out to dinner tonight" another kiss "somewhere private and quiet" kiss "and not on page six?" She shook her head, no longer trying to hide her smile. He leered at her "then maybe later we can live out some other fantasies of yours?" She shivered as he pulled her roughly against him and whispered in her ear "I have very strong teeth."


End file.
